Fun With Flowers
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger's Korner takes a little trip to the Botanical Gardens.


**Some kind of flower has the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some more madness from my tiny little mind.**

 **Fun With Flowers**

"Hello!" Krieger waved to the camera. He and Ray were standing in a brightly colored tropical garden setting. "Welcome to Krieger's Korner. Today we're at the Botanical Gardens! I'm with my producer slash co-host slash favorite test subject Ray."

"I wish you would stop calling me that last one," Ray groaned.

"Pam's on the camera there," Krieger pointed.

The camera turned to show Pam holding the camera. "What's up bitches?"

"Is that your new catchphrase or something?" Krieger asked when the camera was turned back on him.

"Trying it out," Pam admitted.

"Why is she holding the camera?" Ray asked.

"She wanted to direct," Krieger shrugged.

"Doesn't everyone?" Ray quipped.

"I'm also gonna edit this baby," Pam told them. "Hey, it's one way to break into showbusiness."

"For those of you who are expecting a **fire** ," Ray spoke up. "Forget it. We left Cheryl at home."

"No sense in tempting fate," Krieger agreed. "Didn't want a repeat of the La Brea Tar Pits incident. So we decided to make this episode about flowers."

"A nice safe episode," Ray said. "Where nothing hopefully can go wrong."

"That's what Ms. Archer thought when she tried to be part of the New York Gardening Society," Pam was heard snickering. "And we all know what happened **there.** "

 _The scene then cut to one of Archer looking completely inebriated. His tie was off and his shirt and jacket were rumpled. "I wanna say this party is great. Really great. And so is the chairwoman of this whole thing…Mrs.…. Whazzername. Let's give it up for Mrs. Whazzername!"_

 _The scene then revealed that Archer was not wearing any pants. A very embarrassed young blonde woman was creeping out from behind a table rearranging her clothes. In front of a group of horrified older men and women._

" _STERLING MALLORY ARCHER!" Mallory shouted._

" _WHAT?" Archer shouted back. "I just did what you told me to do! I slept with Mrs. Whazzhername so you could blackmail her!"_

" _First of all, that's_ _ **not**_ _Mrs. Whalmerton," Mallory stormed up to him._

" _I'm Melanie Malinski," The young blonde woman said as she stood up._

" _Nobody cares what the whore says," Mallory glared at her. "And second what part of keeping this on the down low do you_ _ **not**_ _understand?"_

" _Well she certainly when down…" Archer snickered. Mallory then proceeded to slap him. "OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"_

" _I_ _ **knew**_ _it," A woman spoke up. "I knew she'd try to pull a stunt like this when I saw her bring in her son."_

" _As if anyone with any taste would sleep with the Man Whore of Manhattan," Another woman said._

" _HEY!" Melanie shouted._

" _That_ _ **can't**_ _be a saying," Archer blinked._

" _It has been ever since the New York Library Fundraising Fiasco," Another woman said._

" _Oh, for crying out loud," Mallory groaned. She then looked at the camera. "Pam! You'd better not be recording this damn thing!"_

" _I'm not! Jesus!" Pam said. Obviously still recording._

" _Good because if this gets out…" Mallory snapped. "I'll have your guts for garters!"_

" _Is that still a saying?" Melanie asked Archer._

" _It is for her," Archer hiccupped._

The scene then cut back to Ray. "You're going to include the tape of when Archer completely ruined that garden party aren't you?"

"We have the footage," Krieger admitted.

"And let's face it," Pam said. "Sex and scandal sell."

"You mean like the time Ms. Archer sent her son on that mission to steal some rare orchids from a flower show?" Krieger asked. "Because she wanted a few to impress some guy she wanted to bone?"

"And instead of stealing orchids," Ray added. "He ended up raiding the bar nearby."

"And I may have given him some of my LSD breath strips by accident," Krieger coughed.

 _The scene cut to a lush indoor garden in greenhouse, filled with tropical orchids._

" _WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Archer ran through the garden completely naked. Holding an open bottle of champagne. The plants and orchids covering his lower half. Except for his bare ass._

The scene then cut to showing Ray and Krieger again. "Like that one yes," Pam innocently remarked off camera.

Ray looked at Krieger. "Remember the one company picnic we **did** have? The one in Central Park?"

 _Cut to a scene of Archer running in his heart patterned underwear around Central Park drinking champagne. "WHOOOOO!"_

Back to the current time. "Yes," Pam said off camera innocently.

"Didn't think it was possible for a person to get banned from Central Park," Ray said. "But Archer proved me wrong."

"It wasn't as much Archer running around in his underwear that got him banned," Pam pointed out. "As it was that stunt he pulled at the fountain."

 _The scene cut to Archer dancing around the Bethesda Fountain in his underwear. "Look at me! I'm in the Producers!" He laughed. "Now I'm gonna take a swim!"_

" _STERLING MALLORY ARCHER!" Mallory's voice was heard as Archer dropped his underwear and waded into the pool stark naked. "PUT YOUR DAMN CLOTHES ON!"_

" _Oh yeah this is refreshing," Archer laughed as he sat in the pool. "I think I got a quarter up my ass."_

The scene cut back to the present. "Turns out he had two quarters and a nickel," Ray said.

"That man always did have good ass retention," Pam remarked.

"I think we're getting away from the theme of today's episode," Krieger said. "Let's start with some interesting facts…"

A scream interrupted him. "What was **that**?" Krieger asked.

"Please tell me it's not something you did," Ray groaned.

"No," Krieger said. More screams were heard. "I swear it's not me this time!"

"It's coming from that greenhouse over there," Pam moved the camera. "The one where all those people are running out of. Come on!"

"Do we **have** to?" Ray groaned as they followed Pam.

"WILL YOU STOP PULLING ME?" Cheryl's voice was heard. "YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR! I'M YOUR SUPERVISOR!"

"Just come on!" A familiar looking older man was dragging Cheryl out of the greenhouse.

"Cheryl?" Ray gasped.

"Hey Ugly!" Pam said cheerfully.

"Oh God!" Ulysses George Lee groaned. "Not you!"

"Cheryl? Who is this guy?" Krieger asked.

"He's Ugly!" Pam said.

"And how!" Cheryl snickered.

"I wouldn't say that," Ray remarked. "Kind of cute actually."

"I'm Ulysses George Lee," Mr. Lee snapped. "I'm on Ms. Tunt's board of directors for her company. And yes, I am more than aware of what my initials **spell out!"**

"U, G…Okay I get the joke now," Krieger nodded.

"What are **you** doing here?" Ray shouted at Cheryl.

"Ugly here and the rest of my stupid board of directors convinced me to donate some dumb plants to the Botanical Gardens for some good publicity," Cheryl explained.

"Three guesses what kind of plant she decided to donate!" Mr. Lee snapped.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRARRRRRR!"

"Oh no…" Ray shuddered violently. "You don't mean…?"

"I'm afraid so," Mr. Lee groaned.

Pam turned the camera onto a large carnivorous plant the size of a Buick. "HOLY STEM SNACKS!" It was eating the remains of someone that was wearing a suit. Or what was left of it. Blood was everywhere.

"I mean it's not as large as the ones we had in Tunt Manor," Cheryl said. "But I think it's big enough."

"Big enough to eat someone!" Ray shouted.

"Told you it wasn't me," Krieger said to the camera.

"Oh, we are going to have to pay so many fines and bribes," Mr. Lee groaned.

"It's okay," Cheryl waved. "He was just a board member of my company. There's like dozens more where that came from."

"So, there's like a large turnover in Cheryl's company?" Krieger asked.

"Mostly on the executive level," Mr. Lee groaned. "Like you wouldn't believe."

"We gotta do something!" Pam shouted.

"Like what?" Krieger asked. "Call Rick Moranis?"

"I'm on it!" Ray snarled as he grabbed a nearby pair of gardening shears. "IT'S GARDENENING TIME AUDREY TWO!"

"Well its definitely not a repeat of the La Brea Tar Pits incident," Pam was heard as Ray attacked the killer plant using his super speed.

"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" Ray screamed in a high-pitched voice as he mercilessly stabbed and cut at the plant.

"Whoa…" Pam gulped. "Haven't seen Ray act this psycho since someone suggested that Cher was too old to sing!"

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE!" Ray screamed as he turned the killer plant into salad. "HA! HA! HA!"

"Good lord," Mr. Lee gasped.

"Say what you want about Cyborgs," Cheryl said. "They can murder killer plants good."

"And this time Ray didn't even loose a limb," Pam added. "He lent a hand without lending a hand."

"Is he all right?" Mr. Lee pointed at Ray.

Ray was breathing hard and had a wild look in his eyes as he stood over the remains of both the plant and the person the plant had partially eaten.

"Define all right," Pam quipped.

"Ray…?" Krieger walked up to him. "Ray? Are you in there? Ray?"

"I think I have a thing now," Ray had a wild look in his eyes. "Krieger can we go home? And have some tea? With some brandy in it? Minus the tea."

"Sure Ray, sure…" Krieger gently steered him away from the carnage. "Ray could you just put down the garden shears? That's it. Let's get you into a nice relaxing bubble bath."

Mr. Lee glared at Cheryl. "And you need to get into a nice relaxing straight jacket!"

"I would but it's at the cleaners," Cheryl shrugged.

"Well at least there weren't any fires this time," Pam remarked. "Just the normal mayhem and bloody deaths."

"This is **normal** for you people?" Mr. Lee shouted.

"Sadly, yes…" Ray groaned.

"Okay I think we've all had enough today on Krieger's Korner," Krieger said. "Pam do you think you have enough for the next show?"

"Oh yeah," Pam said. "I think I can put something together."

"Good," Krieger sighed. "Next time on Krieger's Korner we'll try to do something a little less violent and a lot more calming. Like driving on the freeway during an earthquake!"

"I call shotgun!" Cheryl cheered. Everyone looked at her. "What?"


End file.
